Hello there, friend,

The particular brand of Christianity I grew up with was very much about denial -- the world is a scary place, it's the devil's playground, we must deny ourselves, etc. This isn't at all what I believe as an adult. It took some undoing, but I finally realized that beauty has a place in our world and in our lives. We should appreciate the good and beautiful things in the natural world and within contexts we can create: our homes, our clothing, our creative endeavors. God made beautiful things, and he wants us to enjoy them.

When we talk about desire, I find it to be much the same. Desire is good, just as the natural world and all of its beauty is good. Just as God created the world, he created our hearts and all of the desires within -- the basics desires for love and belonging, and the more particular ones about what we should to do with our lives. I find it freeing to think that what I desire, that feeling I have about what I truly want, comes from God.

I think that's why it's so important for us to be listening, to strip away all of the voices and distractions and listen for that voice within. Perhaps this is why you want to take a break from social media, and why I have been feeling that way too. We want to tune in and listen to what's going on inside us. It's so hard to do that when we're constantly flooding ourselves with images and other voices. We need more quiet, more stillness -- at least, I do.

xo,
L

hello there, friend,

i find myself turning inward this time of year as well. the weather has finally turned colder, the month of gratitude and almost daily posts to flickr and instagram are over and i find myself needing space from all of that. i long to quiet the voices around me and in my own head.

i realized with a start yesterday that i had the same feelings last year. after the month of november, i felt the need to pull back. i took the month of december off from social media and feel compelled to do so again. i'm trying to figure out all over again what i desire, what's essential.

i listened to the beginning of a podcast the other day i can't quite stop thinking about. almost immediately i knew i needed to listen with paper and pen. it's an episode of the onbeing podcast, an interview with a jesuit priest who talked about the way desire can be seen as god's way of speaking to us, of calling us. i so often think about desires as being selfish - coming from my own weakness - something to be resisted. i'd like to spend more time thinking about that for myself personally as we move towards a new year. what do i desire?

xo,
b

Hello there, friend,

Maybe it's the Christmas season, maybe the craziness leftover from November, but I have found myself drawing more and more to slowness and to the idea of less. Maybe it's a matter of quality over quantity. I've been journaling quite a bit more than usual, asking questions and seeking answers (sometimes only finding more questions). There's something about putting pen to paper that helps me clarify my thoughts. It's like my brain is tangled, but I start writing and the threads are gently pulled apart, one by one, so I can think again.

I used to do this all the time. I'd write down verses and quotes, scribble my thoughts. I thought it was because of school and all of the endless school I'd endured. Turns out, it's not. It's just part of who I am as a writer and reader and thinker. I like that about myself, so I'm making more time for it.

So, I will leave you today with a quote I wrote down the other day, from Oliver Sacks:

My predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved. I have given much and been given something in return. Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.

xo,
L

hello there, friend,

it seems that even though in my head and heart i want to slow down and savor the season, there are a myriad of obligations that makes this harder than it would seem. around here the end of the first half of the school year means the tangling up of christmas concerts, drama performances, swim meets, and mid-term exams. the weekend i thought might be restful turns out to be quite full and i realize again i have to change my expectations.

what i know to be true about myself is that i thrive when i feel connected to those around me. so, if it's a conversation with one of my kids in the car on the way somewhere, i know that will fill me up. when church obligations have me wondering how i got myself so involved - i make a connection with someone who needed to be heard and then someone does the same for me. when i'm hoping for a sunday afternoon nap, but the house is full of boisterous male energy - i boil water for tea, light candles, and grab a book i had been hoping to finish and find myself grateful for my son and his friends - the ones we've known forever.

sometimes i think we are called to do some deep diving in our hearts and minds, to change our thinking, to make the best of situations that aren't our first choice. when i stay open, i'm often rewarded - in ways i wasn't necessarily expecting.

xo,
b

Hello there, friend,

Last night, I sat on the couch with my kids watching Finding Dory, which we had picked up last minute from Redbox. I'm astonished at how need this was, just sitting together watching a movie and resting. The weekend was long. It was full of correcting bad attitudes (including mine), running errands, and mis-managing time.

We were all exhausted and in need of grace. When my daughter suggested, on the way home from our monthly family dinner (which my husband had to miss because of work), that we see if Finding Dory was on Netflix, I immediately rerouted us to the grocery store and there it was -- our saving grace. At home, we popped popcorn and climbed into our pajamas, then started the movie while twinkle lights glowed over the bay window.

It reminded me that, even though life is hard and we sometime feel like we're in the valley, we can always press pause and just hold each other. There's always space for this. We can decide to let go of whatever pressure we're under, whatever we're going through, and find what matters. Today that was letting go of everything else and saying yes to a movie and a cuddle. I'm so grateful for that.

xo,
L

hello there, friend,

november was full of the kind of juxtapositions that make up life... joy and pain, gratitude and sorrow, frustration and relief, beauty and brokenness. there were times when i was glad we had taken a break from letter writing and there were times when i wished we were writing.

the practice of gratitude was my anchor for the month... a touchstone that allowed me to notice the small gifts around me and to notice, too, what was going on inside me. like you, there were plenty of times to notice what was going on in my heart and in my head and this made all the difference. i've learned to pay attention to myself, to guard myself when necessary, to nourish myself when i needed to, to stretch myself at times, to let my emotions be what they are... to sit with all of it, uncomfortable or not.

i know there will be more opportunities in the coming month to practice these things. right now i'm most grateful for the way gratitude has led me to pay more attention to myself - to be grateful for who i am, right now where i am.

xo,
b

Hello there, friend,

When I was younger, I had a huge chip on my shoulder. My childhood was deeply entrenched in conflict and pain, both of which I took out into the world and gladly unloaded on anyone I could. It followed me into my adulthood and sometimes still rears its ugly head.

When I married my husband, I was determined to change my life. I didn't want our family, the one we were creating, to be like what I had experienced. I was going to be different. And when my daughter was born after four years of marriage, I sunk my teeth in deep to those changes. But here's the thing about changing your life: it doesn't happen overnight. It's one small change, then another and another until they snowball into something that, years later, you might say was worth all of the effort.

That's how I felt this last month. It was long and hard and heavy. I prayed more than I have in a long time. I cried a lot and felt confused. I hurt. I know I'm not alone in any of this. A lot of people were confused and hurt this last month, and for a lot of different reasons. But instead of taking my pain out into the world and passing it around, I tried to be quiet and listen. There's so much I don't understand, but I'm willing to listen.

And that's how I know that I've changed. This last month has showed me that. And now I'm ready to move forward into a new month, one filled with the saving graces of the holidays. There's so much to look forward to and to be grateful for -- the hard times, and the good.

xo,
L